MEDIUM UGLY / MEDIUM PRETTY
unedited
I think something I’ve always been insecure about is the level at which I project beauty. When people look at me do they think I’m pretty? Do they treat me differently because of what I look like, whether they like it or not? For better or worse? I’ve always felt that I can be pretty if I try but I also know what it’s like to feel completely and utterly invisible. I started recognizing the difference in how people treat me at such a young age, probably in Colombia. I noticed how people treated my prettier cousins, I noticed how they treated me, I noticed a lot and probably internalized way too much. But I quickly saw that if I looked cute and dressed nice and wore make up and smiled I would be treated more kindly and instead of that empowering me… it made me feel icky. I didn’t like the idea that something that is realistically completely out of my control (look, age, weight, tan, bags under my eyes) could so immensely affect the way people treat me. I remember at a young age I decided I would focus on my personality. I remember it very clearly - my brain will always be there and my personality will always shine through and I’m sure that people will appreciate that. But as it turns out, they don’t necessarily. Pretty privilege is such a real and prominent thing and I still feel it today, in good and bad ways. Being medium pretty or medium ugly means I am constantly flopping back and forth between the way that people treat me and by no means am I complaining that people have the audacity to be kind to me. But it continues to be jarring. How can i be so invisible one day and so perceived and admired another? At the end of the day I do LOOK the same. I didn’t get a nose job or dye my hair, or get color contacts. I put on a little make up and a cute outfit? Is it my confidence or do people not have an imagination? That if someone is not dressed the way that is “cool” put on make up a way that is “trendy” we can’t see their beauty?
I realized I was queer after a long stint of talking shit about people. I realized that my friend group in college was so fucking critical of everyone and I remember so clearly that I didn’t want to be that way anymore. I remember walking into my cinematography class one day and thinking I was annoyed with everyone in the room because of how fucking artsy they all thought they were. Turns out they didn’t “think” they were artsy, they just were. I remember sitting in class thinking - ok what is good about these people? what do i like about these people? Look at the positive…. It was a three hour seminar class so I had a lot of time to think. Something switched in me and I started to see why I liked these people. How each of them could be sexy in their own way. How their interests were not only fascinating but hot. Before I knew it I had a crush on a girl in my class. The crush only grew more throughout the semester. All because I asked myself to look at the bright side…. And ok, im not saying that every person who decides to open up their mind is going to turn gay (unless that’s what you want me to say, in which case..yes) but maybe if more people just looked at things differently they would too realize they were bisexual? What a classic thing for a bisexual to say… “No no! Trust me! Everyone is bisexual! Look! Look! Just open your eyes!” … It’s all weird though, being medium ugly. Being medium gay. This in-between I am constantly caught in. I hate Medium. I hate choice. I hate that its all in my control. Seemingly. Why do I have to choose whether I want to be gay or not? That’s kind of a big fucking deal?! Sometimes I wish, or wonder, what my life would be like if I just was what society perceived me to be. What if I was just pretty, or just gay. Or just straight. Would that be enough? Or would I still want to be put further into a box? Would I be annoyed that people put me in a box? Would I want to be more than MY box? Because it feels like a lot of people struggle with this feeling whether they are gay or not. Immigrants or not. Mainstream pretty or not. The feeling of simply being enough or not being enough. I’m not sure but I’m trying to change my approach to it all. And rather than be annoyed by the ability to change peoples perception of me, I want to feel empowered. Like, wow! I can be invisible if I want to? … thats kinda cool…. right…RIGHT!?!? (This is me trying to embrace choice). To be invisible all I have to do is be my raw self … naturally invisible! Wow, Medium ugly. And then there are days where if I want, if I try…. If im well rested and 5 pounds lighter and wear make up and do my hair and dress nice…. I can be medium pretty? I think? Actually now that I type it out it doesnt necessarily feel good. I DONT LIKE IT. I want to be beautiful. If I try I want to be beautiful. but I don’t think that is what I am, at least when you calculate beauty with just conventional looks. What a fucking shame. I wonder if beautiful women get annoyed at their beauty the way that medium looking women get annoyed at their looks? It’s not like beautiful women can make themselves uglier lol. I can definitely do that. Sunglass emoji. Ugh this whole essay feels shallow. I think I can be pretty shallow at times but I try not to be. But its weird because I seem to only apply my shallow traits to myself? I am often attracted to people who are not conventionally attractive. I am attracted to people for their personality and vibe and smell and movement and laughter. But why is it so hard for me to accept that anyone would be attracted to me for those things? For those non visual things? It’s impossible I feel, to convince myself otherwise. Maybe one day i will internalzie it. But for now I will just keep walking around with the ability to shape shift from medium ugly to medium pretty. Medium gay to medium straight. Medium. Middle. In between, it always goes back to that.
This was a weird first post but I just wanted to post something and when I sat down to write this is what was on my mind today.